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Requiem Fur a Dream
You get half a star on this blog just for writing your name on your paper, so 1 star isn’t a long-shot from a 0 score. But, everything isn’t all that bad when it comes to Bubsy.
There’s definitely a “Cheese Nips” atmosphere going on here, which is admirable: it’s got a colorful box that certainly looks like a legitimate product from 30 yards away, and the off-brand vibe fills you with the warmth of knowing you’re always at least one 10-lb value box of edible cardboard away from starvation. When you’re a kid in 1996, you can’t tell the difference; and when you get a Playstation for Christmas, Bubsy could very-well be what separates playing videogames and sitting around in your Ninja Turtles pajama bottoms on Christmas.
There’s other good stuff about Bubsy, too — it’s honestly relatively ambitious for the time. It speculated 3D platforming before Mario 64 or even Jumping Flash! was out, it had water levels with breath meters and air pickups before that was a thing, and it even boasted cheeky one-liners before Gex 3D existed. If they would have gotten this stuff completed and polished in time, Bubsy 3D coulda been somebody, it coulda been a contender. But, clearly the team who made this was, I dunno, bogged down by a project manager who slept at their desk every day watching a well-worn VHS tape of Showgirls starring Elizabeth Berkley, or the team was working in a building that was haunted by a fightin’ drunk ghost of Dean Martin, or maybe they were trying Agile Development. I don’t know, but there has be a good story about why this game is so awful.
Admittedly, the story is probably just that Bubsy 3D was developed by 8 inexperienced developers in 18 months with the scope of a 50-person 2-year project, and were surprise-forced to finalize and QA under a 3-month release deadline at the end. That said, it’s pretty impressive given the novelty of its platforming in 1996. You can jump sometimes, you can turn if you push the buttons a bunch, and the camera almost works occasionally, so there’s that.
Bubsy 3D gets a bad rap, but you can tell by playing it that a minimum of 1 of the 8 people who made it were at least mildly interested in making a 3D platformer. The skeleton of a videogame exists under its zombie flesh, and for that I can’t entirely fault it. I want to like this game, and maybe I do like this game. In fact, maybe I love it. Maybe I am a Bubsy forgiver, and so what? Maybe you should just go fur yourself, buddy.
Unfortunately, that pun doesn’t work, just like this game. 1 alcoholic ghost out of 4.
Author’s Note
There should be a kart racer, so they can call it “Furst and the Furriest,” or “Need Fur Speed,” or “Furza,” or “Gran Furismo,” or “Furnout,” or “Ridge Racefur,” or “Furtona,” or “Furio Kart,” or “Fur-Zero,” or “Drivefur,” or “FuRT,” or “Star Wars Episode 1 Fur-racer,” or “NASFUR,” or “Horizon Chase Furbo,” or “Asfurlt,” or “why are you still reading these.”
Best Played on:
lmao nah
Gameplay
Playing Bubsy 3D feels like watching Forrest Gump, except every time Forrest Gump says “momma,” Stone Cold Steve Austin punches you in the stomach.
Visuals
This game looks like the inside of Pauly Shore’s coke bathroom.
Sound
I would rather listen to Thank You by Duran Duran than listen to another moment of this soundtrack.
Story/Interactivity
The story is more nonexistent than that one guy in Fight Club. (If you haven’t seen Fight Club, do not google that reference)
Motivation
Like Alton Lister, Bubsy 3D is just asking to get dunked on by you and your friends. (Okay, definitely google that one, the DISRESPECT)
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